Monthly Archives: November 2016

Intent to break up our marriage

Dear Sara: In 2015, my husband of 25 years and I ended our marriage. We got married after only knowing each other for a few days, … and it was rocky due to the fact that he drank alcohol daily for self-medication. He was abusive on several occasions, but I felt that until I had tried in every way to make it work. I would not give up on the vows I took. This was my second marriage. His mother did not care for me. She moved up here, she told me, with the intent to break up our marriage. She was successful, and he lives with her now, even though he is 59 years old.

Other than the drinking, I loved him very much and am having trust issues now with any other man I meet. I just want to be happy, but after all those years, soon as the judge said we were divorced, he has not spoken to me at all. Why cant a friendship be salvaged from a lifetime of being a couple? It scares me that he is acting so cold and shows no concern for me in any way. Other than drinking, he was good about everything else. He was a hard worker, contributing to the home and all. How can love turn to hate? Do some people turn feelings off like a faucet? It makes me feel like I wasted my life, my youth and my love on someone who can just turn me off. I can’t help wondering if he ever thinks of me at all.

I want closure, and I did not get it from him. I cannot understand how such a change can occur in someone considering the volume of time we spent together. Any advice would be appreciated because I remain confused and do not trust men now. I have lived alone for two years now. Why am I still having feelings for someone who could treat me in such a cruel manner? I am in counseling but have only gone twice now. I have other interests but keep coming back to that question: WHY?? I think I have a right to know what I did to make him change, so I can move on.

I do not like living alone, but am maintaining except for that nagging question that, until answered, will not let me experience closure of that portion of my life. He left me right after my father passed away and my mom had died four years earlier. I needed him more at that time than ever and he let me down. He cheated on me during our marriage a few times. I never did because I made a promise not only to him but also to God, society and to myself that I would do my best to make the marriage work. I still feel love for him. I wonder if something is wrong with me because I still care for someone who now views me as yesterday’s garbage. I am an attractive, educated woman in good health. What could be so bad that would make him turn on me with no explanation whatsoever? I just do not get it and if I can’t get it, how can I get over it? — J

Dear J: I’m so sorry to hear you are going through all this. This is a tough and painful situation, so I think it might be useful to separate what you know from what you don’t know. You know that you had a difficult marriage and that your ex-husband had a lot of problems, like alcoholism, that have nothing to do with you. You know that he has cut off contact with you, but you don’t actually know how he is feeling right now. You’re assuming that his silence means that he no longer has any feelings for you, that your 25 years together meant nothing to him. But you don’t really know that. His silence could also be an indication that he is in a lot of pain too and that cutting off contact with you is his way of dealing with it. Maybe it’s just too painful for him to be friends with you. I’m not condoning his behavior—drinking is another way that people deal with painful emotions, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. I’m just saying that the two of you might have different ways of managing the trauma of your divorce.

Perfect Online Dating Tips

Most people who write their personal statement for their online dating profile do it entirely on their own, without ever asking for help from friends or family. The truth, however, is that asking for feedback from those who know you best is the best way to create a good dating profile.

When it comes to describing ourselves, we usually aren’t very objective. We often come across as too this or too that, which is why you should create a personal profile and send it two or three friends or family members for them to read. Ask those individuals for feedback, and you can use the questions below as a guide.

Do you sound confident or insecure?

Due to what’s called the social desirability bias, men and women have the tendency to present themselves in a manner that will be viewed favorably by others. Accordingly, most people try to make themselves appear as appealing as possible in a dating profile. That sounds like a good thing, right? The problem is that sometimes we try too hard, and that can actually come across as insecure. When you send your personal statement to your friend for review, ask if you come across as secure or insecure in the description. If you come across as insecure, you will either attract people who have emotional issues or you will turn off those who don’t.

Does your sense of humor come across? Is there too much or too little humor in your personal statement?

Showing your sense of humor is important because connecting in the humor department is a foundation for a long-term relationship. When you ask a friend for feedback, ask about how your humor comes across. Specifically, ask if it’s enough or too much. Also, ask if your humor in the profile comes across as funny, sweet, or sarcastic. While I know some men and women are especially drawn to individuals with a sarcastic flair, be warned that sarcasm also usually comes with personalities that are more competitive and angry. Unless you are sarcastic yourself and really value that in others, avoid using much sarcasm at all in your profile.

Many times, men and women talk about themselves in dating profiles in self-deprecating ways. The whole profile issue is awkward to begin with – like selling yourself as a door to door salesman – so the process of creating a perfect profile is inevitably challenging. But trying too hard to make yourself seem humble (and not too “into yourself”) is a risk for everyone, so ask your friends or family members for advice about how to seem humble without sounding too self-deprecating. The goal is to present yourself as an overall package, and to convey that you like yourself overall and feel confident that you are someone who will make a consistent and good partner.

Do you sound responsible or flaky?

As much as you want to come across as appealing in a profile, you also should remember to hit the crucial items on the metaphoric relationship checklist. For a relationship to work, two partners will need to be reliable, honest, and kind. Make sure that your profile reflects the kind of person you are not just in your dating life, but in your work and overall social life. You don’t need to say “I’m always on time” but you can say something like “I’m a responsible person and I’m looking for someone who isn’t flaky.” This type of statement sends a clear message that you know yourself and that you also know what you want in another person. Ask for feedback from a friend about whether your profile reflects where you fall on the responsible/flaky spectrum.